I would be lying if I were to say that travel has been a panacea for all that I had found wrong with my life. I’m finding myself back in a familiar state of affairs. I can’t help but feel non-plussed and uninspired by life right now. New struggles, bad habits, distractions and mental fog, I feel as though despite a desire for mental clarity, I have not been doing myself any favors in that department. Between the aimless scrolling on social media, time spent whiled away on youtube or instagram, absolutely wasting the time that I’m given, or playing some senseless video game because I’m so bored with everything else I want to escape my little slice of reality.
I find myself lacking compatriots to relate to, no intellectual avenues to let out my ideas, no outlet for reflexive and reflective dialog. I feel as though I am rotting my brain with television and memes. My latest relationship has rotted on the vine through the ever-present deleterious effects of ever-constant contact, the constant presence of the world at our fingertips has distracted us both with too many options. It feels rather horrid, rather empty.
I find myself relaxing in the hot springs rather often, in some sort of desire to feel physically renewed. In the wake of the change in seasons, and a recent break-up, found myself in what seems to be a form of isolation, socially, temporally. The time that was previously spent nurturing friendships spent on a relationship, only to neglect the roots that kept me grounded. I realize that I am not an island, but my archipelago is seemingly being eroded by a string of recent departures. All that is left are co-workers, leaving me wanting for better understanding among those in my private life.
Material wealth is only a passing desire, nothing advertised to me jumps out for my attention, no outlets to spend what I have worked for. I find myself in a local social desert, as the Northern European winter has set in, with a desire to output my social energy into a hobby and not a bar full of drunkards. I can’t drink anymore and still stay sane, not the way the world is lately. I feel as though I am entertaining myself to death lately, nothing being true, facts becoming relative, social habits replaced with API(s) and subsequently gamified. I can no longer stand the constant fear mongering, nor can I pretend to respond to any current event with summoned enthusiasm from within myself. I’m looking at cars and gadgets, and life changing purchases on autopilot.
Having returned from trips this fall to Southern Europe, I must admit I am disappointed that I had uncovered anything new about myself that I haven’t already uncovered on more perilous journeys in destinations much further flung than Spain or Italy. I enjoyed this summer, but here I am, wondering what more there is to this life.
Was I happier in Japan, or did I gain satisfaction from wonderful friends?